What if we met and fell in love in one of our online zoom classes?

Haha, just kidding.

…Unless?

The age of social distancing is upon us. As the threat of the apocalypse peers over the red horizon and Gabriel readies his scales of Judgement, the rest of us are just sitting in our beds, eating breakfast at 2p.m., and hoping to find the love of our quarantined lives on re-downloaded dating apps. What if I told you that the girl of your dreams was right in front of you this whole time, right on the other side of your webcam? That’s right ladies and gents, this may be the age of social distancing but that doesn’t mean we can’t find love. Here is a quick and easy guide for finding your Hot Zoom GF.

1. Get Zoom.

While this may seem obvious to some folks out there I just want to be sure we are all on the same page here. If you don’t have zoom, how are you ever going to find that perfect GF?

2. Attend class. 

Again, an obvious statement. Not only will actually attending your Zoom classes help you scope out all the possible babes, but it will help you continue a valuable (but admittedly very different) learning experience. 

3. Find the Hot Zoom GF.

This will take some practice, and it isn’t easy, so pay close attention. There are a few traits that a Hot Zoom GF will have to be on the lookout for. Many times, a Hot Zoom GF will have the decency to have her camera on, but will very obviously be looking at her phone throughout the entire class. Her face will be illuminated with that pale glow from her screen, highlighting her features in a way that will capture the hearts of all those who dare gaze upon her. 

If you’re lucky, you might even be able to hear the unmuted bark of her dog in the background. You feel that closeness with someone, that intimacy of being one of the few granted into their home (the trust that comes along with this, the bravery to not hide is astounding). This is the girl you want to keep an eye on!

4. Approach Hot Zoom GF respectfully (and remotely). 

The easiest way would be through email, seeing as the link to the Zoom class should contain her somewhere in there. And, since you don’t know how much longer the world has, tell her how you really feel. Be open. Be vulnerable. Be yourself. Go for it. Be brave, be mighty! Be the David that conquered the Goliath of self-doubt. Let it wash over you. Smile. Allow yourself to smile.

5. Set up a time to meet on zoom.

It doesn’t matter who hosts. Just that you are both there and unmuted. 

6. Fall deeply in love. 

You realize that she has a dimple on only one side of her face. It only shows when she’s laughing. She makes you laugh until your stomach hurts and your eyes sting with tears. She talks about the woods next to her home and the trees that groan in the wind. When she was young, she had thought a witch lived there. You tell her about the time your brother hid a fur coat under your bed and pretended it was a monster. 

You are alike in more ways than can be counted. She is like a music box who plucks out harmonious music gently. She is like a distant storm, which rolls over the countryside and envelops everything underneath. 

And soon, there is no schedule. The two of you sit on Zoom, gazing into each other’s web-cam eyes. You have found peace, you think. And this peace, this comfort in the warmth of her digital embrace, to provide this for someone else: This Is The Meaning of Life. 

You tell her this, but the connection is frozen. All you can see is her, slightly blurry, a still image.

7. Lose The Connection.

You were foolish and you were vain. You thought you could walk across glass without cutting your feet. You thought you were invincible. The pit in your stomach proves you wrong. 

The Hot Zoom GF wasn’t meant to be yours. She was not something to be gotten, and you were not something to be given. 

You must be at peace with this isolation. Learn how to distance gracefully. Run your fingertips over your keyboard and remember how it felt to type that original email. 

Your Reckoning and Your Reward: These memories. 

It is cold without her. Disney Plus doesn’t hold the same joy. Leftovers don’t carry the same sweetness and you wear your daytime pajamas at night. It is falling apart. It is all falling apart. 

As you use warm water to replace warm words, recall the original purpose of Zoom.

8. Return to your classes.

At this point, you’ll be pretty behind, having spent all that time with the Hot Zoom GF. Do your best to get back on track! Don’t be afraid to ask for extra credit and remember: make sure you’re taking breaks in between your classes to stand up and move around!

And that’s that! All the information gathered above is the most accurate and trusted way of nabbing a Hot Zoom GF in record time! Use this information responsibly, and good luck out there!