Carson Hanna ’27 is a little bitch. All he does is march around The Hill News office; singing show tunes from plays he’s not talented enough to have performed in and being passive-aggressive. Plus, he winks weird.
Yes, it’s true we have a feud, but it was Hanna who started it (by being so freaking annoying, I had no other choice but to bully him). Matt Serrano ’26 says that we should hire a human resources person to manage our fights, but I fear that… they would just agree with me. Honestly, it would probably be a waste of our very under-funded stipend budget. Hanna is UNFIXABLE.
Like, seriously. He just got a haircut, but he could use another, to be honest. And did you know that he got married at 17? Scandalocious! I don’t know what’s more embarrassing: being a child bride (via promise ring) or having a wife and not being a feminist, especially with all the blinding pink he wears. Word is he’s writing a feud article about me, but a man tearing down a woman? He pretends to be all cute and innocent and glittery. In reality, he’s just a big fat sexist and full of propaganda. I hope he gets a divorce (seems likely).
Seriously, help me find a single redeeming quality about the short skinny boy who sits next to me at layout and is pretentious enough to think he’s better at writing my old section. Personally, I’m coming up short(er than him). Everyone knows that he was a bad features editor, which is why I was called to take it over. But somehow, despite landing Arts & Entertainment as a pity job, he’s managing his new section even worse. I wonder if it’s because he was born and raised in Malone, New York. Or perhaps the Sykes Residence asbestos has infiltrated his brain and interfered with his cognitive functioning. Poor little bitch.