After long suspicion, the popular social media app known as “TikTok” will now be banned in all states of the U.S. beginning April 1, 2023. TikTok has around 150 million users, which is about half of the U.S. population. Since TikTok is very influential, the U.S. government has begun to see TikTok as a national concern. The reasons why TikTok was banned are totally reasonable! It is always such a great idea to infringe on the first amendment and limit expression. The U.S. government has confirmed that TikTok has been selling or giving information away to the Chinese government along with collecting body, face, and voice data to identify users. Mark Zuckerberg has offered to buy TikTok from Shou Zi Chew (CEO of TikTok), and that is totally the best idea because American social companies have the best track record! It is almost as if Zuckerberg doesn’t sell private information and Chew does. This past week, Congress was really ganging up on Chew, asking him very reasonable and justifiable questions.

To add onto this, the questions asked by Congress were completely reasonable. Here are some examples: “Does TikTok access the home WiFi network? How do you keep the young people out of TikTok? Do you guys attain revenue?” Congress also assumed that Chew was Chinese, even though he’s Singaporean, but hey multiculturalism is okay! I just love the U.S. Government, you know? Even though gun violence is the number one leading cause of death for adolescents, we must protect kids from TikTok. We need to be protected by memes and Taylor Swift edits. Here in the U.S., we care more about gun control and the second amendment more than freedom of speech and/or expression! Let’s ban TikTok but not Facebook, Instagram, or any other company not owned by an American citizen. The U.S. has always had the best track so we should trust them. I will definitely not miss TikTok, this is for the greater good! It’s almost as if TikTok not only gave us memes, but also spread information about everything all over the world.

To conclude, TikTok will now be banned because of the American government’s concerns with citizens and national privacy and security. So, we’re all moving back to Tumblr. Tumblr is unproblematic AF and we will emerge from there.

It’s always a good idea to stay updated on the latest news regarding TikTok’s status in your country or region, as well as any concerns that may arise regarding its data privacy and security practices. Although this is the April Fools Edition, TikTok may actually get banned so stay on top of that!

Disclosure: Everything I said in this article was satirical.