The University has recently announced a slate of new projects coming to campus in the next few years. Although no timeline has been released, administrators say the projects are likely to be completed the year after you graduate. However, due to budget issues, no renovations will be completed in the next however many years you have left here.  

Administrators announced five new projects aimed at both bringing campus into the modern era and meeting the needs of students.  

All new Esports arena 

One of the top new projects is an all-new, state-of-the-art Esports gaming area that will put SLU on the map as the only school with such a facility, right behind the Baltimore School of Minecraft Players, and the School for Gifted Gamer Children of the Peoples Republic. The arena will feature a main tournament floor, locker rooms (no showers), a virtual girlfriend hangout lounge, and a General Dynamics Center for avion and micro surveillance technologies. Some students have spoken out against the 1.3-billion-dollar project as “a hyper-misogynist training camp.” Other students have praised the project, calling it a “home for America’s most oppressed minority, the male gamer.” 

Statue of our new president  

One of the more welcomed projects announced was a 2.35-million-dollar, 13 karat gold statue of our dear and wonderful and very humble president Kate Morris. The statue will be placed in the middle of the quad, with the rest of the quad being fenced off as to keep the dirty students away from the glorious artwork of our inspiringly humble president. Did you know she was a big deal at Butler? Just making sure.  

Dean Eaton 2 

Yup, you heard that right folks! One of the most impressive projects announced was a complete recreation of our beloved Dean! Oh, do you think like renovations? Of the old one? No, you entitled brat! Dean Eaton 2 will take the place of Kirk-Douglas after it is demolished and will be a one-to-one recreation of Dean. That’s right, one-to-one, complete with the black mold, faulty plumbing, and overall stench of decay. All because you couldn’t stop complaining. Bet you feel pretty stupid right now huh. Well, I hope you enjoy your stay, because it’s what you deserve. Also, tuition just went up again, lol (quirky smiley face).   

THELMO Presidental mansion 

As the university seeks to build a better relationship with THELMO, this new project will be at the center of this goal. A brand new, 10,000sq feet, 8.54 million dollar presidential palace will be built for the president of THELMO to reside in—complete with a hedge maze, vineyard, Olympic sized indoor squash court, and 24/7 security provided by Wagner Group. Funding for this project was provided by the International Association for Squash Recognition as a Real and Professional Sport. 

New theme house: ‘The Camp House’   

Less of a simple house, and more of an experience, this new theme house will give you a whole new perspective on the fragility of life, and the horrifying reality of post Neo-Liberal bureaucratic hyper-mismanagement. Entry to the camp house is not voluntary, and students will be hand selected by administration. Activities will include working 10-hour shifts in open-pit sand mines, tilling frozen earth till your hands bleed, and attending mandatory Maoist-style reeducation classes. You’ll be wishing for the sweet release of death in no time! But turn that frown upside down! Living at The Camp House comes with a .1023 percent reduction on your tuition!