Name: Mike Gagliardi

Age: Three years from becoming my step-dad.

Hometown: Straight Outta Canton

Sport: Crew

Major: Piece of Shit

How long have you been rowing crew? How did you get into the sport?

According to federal prosecutors, I’ve been rowing crew ever since my parents paid the coach $500,000 to say that I do.

What made you want to join the team at SLU?

My father’s unceasing pressure to live vicariously through me.

What has been your favorite experience on the team so far?

Knowing this will all be worth a career at Dick’s Sporting Goods.

What makes SLU’s crew team so unique?

It has a combined IQ of 11.

What are your competitions/practices like?

Like the pseudo-sexual release of all the attention I didn’t receive in childhood.

Do you have any pre-competition rituals?

Steroids.

How do you celebrate a win?

Masochistic contemplation for how it’s never good enough.

Who would you say is your biggest fan?

Shareholders in protein powder and Viagra.

Anything else you want to add?

I’m more than a student, and I’m more than an athlete. I’m a student-athlete. I’m also a patronizing dick.