America is in trouble. With the World Cup looming, the United States Men’s National team (USMNT) is struggling to qualify for the prestigious competition. Only 2 games remain and the USMNT sit 4th in the group, stuck at a meager 9 points. If the USMNT does not win their next two games, they can only qualify if Panama, the 3rd place team, drops points. Otherwise, America will not send a team to the World Cup Finals, which is being hosted in Russia this summer.
Upon learning that the USMNT may not make the World Cup, President Donald J. Trump was dismayed. Anonymous sources close to the president told the Hill News (THN) that Donald threw a temper tantrum when he learned of the situation. He was particularly disturbed that Mexico was in first place. He also pointed out that he was contractually obligated to fellate Vladimir Putin this June and would hate to disappoint “Vlad” by not attending the global tournament.
Another aide relayed that he reportedly blamed Congress, arguing that had the wall been built, “those bad Hombres would not be able to play in America.” His mood worsened when he learned that Panama was a country in Central America and also above America in the standings.
The president then turned towards brainstorming solutions. One aide told THN that the president contemplated instituting an immediate travel ban to bar all, non-American athletes from traveling to America. Then he considered invading Panama to destabilize their government and install “a very nice, very beautiful leader that everyone will love.” This plan fizzled when a distraught chief of staff, John F. Kelly, informed the president that he was actually pointing towards Guatemala on the map, and not Panama
Trump would not give up and called his daughter/future wife/political advisor Ivanka into the Oval office. In secret, they hammered out an emergency executive order, releasing it on Twitter twenty minutes later. The original iteration was riddled with typos so THN had to wait until 3am for the Trump administration to issue a new, covefefe-free Twitter policy. THN has summarized the contents of the executive order below.
The executive order creates a program called “America Scores!” Under the program, the USMNT will get an overhaul. Bruce Arena, the current coach will be fired and sentenced to coach “a real sport.” But as a shrewd policy wonk and business savant, Trump unveiled a brilliant way of finding a replacement.
“America Scores!” calls for a new reality TV show centered around a job re-training program. 100 coal miners will be selected to compete for the coaching position. Trump predicted that the show will be “more popular than the World’s Cups [sic].” He then congratulated himself on putting Americans back to work and argued that no one was better qualified to coach soccer than a coal miner.
Next, “America Scores!” names wonder-boy and woefully unqualified Jared Kushner as team captain of the USMNT. He will also become the starting striker. (This will take effect after he resolves the Israel-Palestine conflict). Teenage scarlet Christian Pulisic, the current starting midfielder, will have to change his name to Trump. Finally “America Works!” requires the USMNT to wear uniforms created by Ivanka’s fashion line.