I am a global warming skeptic. This term conveys how intelligent my position is as skepticism is an intelligent sounding word that implies a level of critical thinking on par with liberal scientists who posit global warming as fact. Those treehugging liberals keep referencing science as proof, but I still have my doubts. I do not believe that it is happening and even if it is, it is neither man-made nor particularly concerning.

The jury is still out over whether climate change is happening or not. You might argue that since 97 percent of scientists agree that it is real, perhaps it is true. However, nine out of ten dentists recommended my toothbrush and I still have cavities. Also, 86 percent of statistics are made up on the spot to prove a point. There are also very credible scientists who say it is not happening (these people are only coincidently paid by fossil fuel companies). If scientific observation supports a concept I find disturbing or challenging to my opinions, just by ignoring it, I can still believe whatever I want. Furthermore, since I am completely ignorant of how science actually works, I am entirely justified in dismissing it as made up.

These hippy scientists say the world is getting warmer. If everything is getting warm, why is it so damn cold in the winter? Here in Canton, it is like super cold. If it was getting warmer then I wouldn’t need my Bean Boots and nine Patagonia jackets – and that would be a real tragedy. Wait…they say that the overall average temperature is going up year-to-year, not that the temperature is hot all the time, everywhere? I cannot wrap my head around that concept because when I walk outside in the winter, I still see snow!

Liberals also love trying to fear monger. Bangladesh is going to be underwater by the end of the century? Well, my response is that Africa is a big country. They can move somewhere else! I also do not live in Bangladesh, so I am morally justified in not caring at all about another human’s (or millions of humans’) plight. They say Greenland is melting, but I see the stunning images as potential Instagram posts. Imagine how many likes I could get if I threw up a ‘gram from Greenland! I could get so many likes that I wouldn’t even feel bad for the Eskimos who actually have to live there year round. Liberals also incessantly turn this into a partisan issue. They claim Republicans are irresponsibly denying climate change to cater to the demands of corporate lobbyists. Have Republicans (or any politician for that matter) ever lied about something before to advance the interests of multibillion-dollar companies? No, that is not possible! Republicans are just trying to protect our jobs and the economy. It is our right as Americans to work in coal mines, oil rigs, and fracking sites. The alleged destruction of the entire environment is less costly than the loss of jobs.

Republicans staunchly oppose regulations because they understand it destroys profit while also running counter to everything America stands for. It is inconceivable that certain companies within our nation should have their actions constrained by laws meant to protect our planet. George Washington died on the cross so American companies could act without any regard for their environmental footprint. Profits are more important than the environment. Fine, even if all these annoying “fact” things liberals use show that there is going to be global warming, I don’t care! I live in central Massachusetts. This means that, worst (best) case scenario, I’ll get beach front property. Then I can Instagram beach pics all day and indulge in some much needed escapism as the world literally sinks around me.