In a shocking turn of events, St. Lawrence University recently decided to outsource management of university security to an outside agency. The company, colloquially called “the Empire,” will handle management of St. Lawrence University’s Safety and Security going forward. Assistant Vice President of Safety and Security Patrick Gagnon handed the reins to the new director on Wednesday, announcing that the new head of security would be Darth Vader.

Mr. Vader, who appeared for his interview in a black suit, promised stricter control of fake ID’s, illegal substances and disturbances in dorms. When questioned about what means he would use to enforce these changes, Vader said “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

Mr. Vader went on to announce that he would be enacting a curfew, supplying all members of the Safety and Security team with tie fighters and rounds would now involve the destruction of random dorms with a device called a “death star.” Vice President Gagnon protested the changes, to which Vader responded that he was altering the deal. “Pray that I don’t alter it further,” Vader said.

While students were excited for the possible demolition of Dean Eaton, the arbitrary nature of the new justice system worried many students, as well as the new edict that security would now carry blasters.

In response to the announcement by Vader that he would be bringing “peace, freedom, justice and security to my new empire,” students have begun to form resistance movements, shielding students caught on the wrong side of the law, helping hide illegal substances and planning an attack using x-wings on the Death Star.

Head of the resistance, Mike Gagliardi ’21, has a message for all other rebels in the university: “let’s get this bread, and may the force be with you.”

Safety and Security employees have expressed issues with the new dress code as well, which entails full white body armor with a clumsy white helmet. “I can’t see anything in this helmet,” stated one ‘“Empire” employee, who wished to remain anonymous.

A Hill News reporter reached out to Mr. Vader to try to learn more about his plans for the University, but he refused to give a comment. “You are a member of the rebel alliance and a traitor,” Vader said. “Take her away!”