By Serena Thorn and Jack Gillooly

Every person’s take on feminism is unique. For some of us, our “brand” is just embracing and enjoying the pain and suffering of men. Yeah, it may not be politically correct or woke or whatever, but it IS feminism. Just remember to keep this indulgence secret. It’s kind of fucked up that you’re into this stuff, and if you tell anyone you are going to make women everywhere look absolutely psychotic. It’s just like if men embraced violent porn, deadly weapons or shot up schools, that would make all men look psychotic.

Anyway, “1000 Ways to Die” is the pinnacle of television. This groundbreaking television show aired between 2008 and 2012 (sorry first-years, maybe an episode aired on the day you were born). It chronicles the unbelievable deaths of the world’s most unlucky. It even has a rating of V for violence, so in summary it’s absolutely sick. So if you, like me, enjoy indulging in some torture porn, starring exclusively men, these are some clips you absolutely cannot miss!

8. S3 Ep41 “Dill D’oh:”

The quiet beauty of this “1000WTD” clip is that Peter is just a jerk. He’s the guy who talks over you in class, he’s the guy who yells at the cashier at the grocery store, he’s the guy who mistreats Grammy in the nursing home; yeah, he’s a general useless piece of shit and we get to watch him electrocute himself. And isn’t Peter’s timely death what you deserve to watch after a long day of being a woman?

7. S3 Ep41 “Boweled Out:” Everything about Casey will make you mutter, “classic man.” He’s a failure, isn’t the slightest bit in touch with his body and has to make everything a played out, aggressive competition. Anyway, you’ll still be rolling your eyes by the time this guy’s hernia bursts. Have you had a man break your heart recently? Watch Casey break his intestines.
8. S4 Ep80 “Caved-In:” Okay, so technically this guy isn’t even human, but he does kinda remind you of your ex-boyfriend, right? He has no idea how to satisfy a woman or give her even the slightest of her basic needs and he still wants her to blow him? I don’t think so. So just like his fuckboy descendants, he starts throwing shit, starts a fire and dies of smoke inhalation. If only that could happen to your ex while he is hot boxing his single in Dean (only kidding)!
9. S3 Ep 41 “Par – Gore:”

If your feminism isn’t intersectional, then it’s not feminism at all! Our “friend” Dick (yes that’s his name) is an aggressive purveyor of toxic masculinity. When his big boy ego gets the best of him, he parkours his neck right into a pipe. I’m not sure we could put it any better than the narrator: Dick got boned! Next time you feel the need to wave your peen around in front of everyone, keep Dick’s well-deserved death in the front of your mind.

4. S3 Ep 59 “Batter-Upped:” This entitled dickwad deserved to die and I have no problem saying that. If you are going to try to assault someone be prepared to die (please use this as a pull quote). Anyway, this bad bitch hits the swine with some batter to the face and he accidentally turns himself into a corn dog. Oh, the satisfaction!
5. S4 Ep 71“Heim – Licked:” 1000WTD outdoes itself on this one. It’s not for the faint of heart (those that can’t stand a serial sexual harasser who preys on women exercising). Feel free to fat-shame, buddy, but watch out when exercise balls are part of the routine! Where this man really makes his mistake is when he tries to fat-shame a women by shoving cakes down his throat and starts to choke, but he probably wasn’t paying attention (like most men) in his CPR class because his Heimlich techniques are not up to date! Revel in watching this fat-shamer eat it.
6. S3 Ep8 “Tenta Killed:”

So many things to love about this breathtaking death. Kim thinks he can choose who his daughter can date; not in this socio-political economy, daddy! I can date as many Americanized assholes as I want. You want to intimidate my lower-than-average boyfriend by insulting him with a gendered and outdated insult (pussy for those of you that haven’t gotten around to watching the clip)?? Choke on this fat octopus, you old misogynist!

1. S3 Ep8 “Orspasm:”

This clip is really going to get your feminist juices flowing. First of all, the most realistic cinematic replication of the female orgasm available for free on YouTube. It is surprising to watch a man like Seth give a woman an orgasm, but we know it is only because she has a rare genital disorder (we are getting educated on this sadistic joyride). We get to see this harassing freak get yeeted down the stairs by our feminist heroine and at that moment we might feel a little aroused, too.

If all feminist art was meant to be openly enjoyed then you would be watching “Teeth” on Christmas Eve with your family instead of “It’s A Wonderful Life,” but you aren’t. So this weekend, lock yourself in your room and just ball the fuck out with these incredible “1000WTD” selections. Hey, masturbate to them too, this is f e m I n I s m. These men aren’t doing great, but you are, sweetie.