Established in 1911 at St. Lawrence University
Established in 1911 at St. Lawrence University

NCAA Honors All-Americans

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This past weekend, the National Collegiate Athletic Association gathered to honor student athletes from the fall and winter seasons who had gone above and beyond, both in and out of the classroom. While many of the selections were expected, some of those honored did come as a bit of a shock.

Darcy Hollenberg, University of Southern California Crew

Darcy showed rapid improvement from the time she stepped on campus in Los Angeles to start her college career. Her achievement is all the more remarkable, given that she grew up in landlocked Nebraska and had never rowed a boat before enrolling. She attributes her success to the time she spent aboard her fathers yacht while vacationing in the Caribbean.

“He was the one who encouraged me to join the team” she says. “At first I thought he said J. Crew, and I was joining some kind of fashion club. But this kind of crew is fun too. I don’t even really go to the practices, and they still put my picture on the website. I guess rowing was the reason I got into USC, so all in all it’s been a very positive experience.” After her comments she was quickly ushered away by her father.

Preston Mack, Yale Swimming

Mack made history this year by becoming the first college swimmer to ever complete a race using only doggy paddle. He was promptly disqualified, but still went down in Yale athletic history. He is no stranger to the attention that comes with being a star at Yale. In fact, his name was carved into the side of the athletic complex after his fashion designer mother made a generous donation. His coach was quick to praise the young athlete for his efforts.

“Preston? Oh, yeah. Preston. He’s great. Knows how to swim. That’s really all you need.” The All-American award is even more impressive considering Mack only took one swim lesson before arriving on campus in New Haven. He did have an olympic size pool installed in his backyard, but explained that it was mostly used as a background for his instagram pictures.

Kiel Camry, Duke Track and Field

Camry’s selection was a head-scratcher to say the least. The Sophomore does not have a single event result posted on the university’s website, and his teammates who were asked to comment have no knowledge of him participating in track. There are several convincing pictures of Camry lining up to pole-vault at an Ivy League meet, but many have pointed out that it appears to be his face photoshopped on another person’s body. This theory is confirmed with a second glance, because Camry is caucasian and the body clearly belongs to an African-American.

When Camry was reached for comment, even he had no idea about his involvement with the track team. “The only time I run is when I’m trying to get to Starbucks before it closes. Come to think of it, I don’t even know how I ended up at Duke. I don’t even remember taking the SAT.” Definitely a strange move by the NCAA to select Camry as an All-American, but they rarely make mistakes.

Ariana Ritchie, Stanford Yoga

Ritchie is the first person to ever achieve All-America status for yoga, which apparently became an NCAA sport this year. A quick scroll of her social media page proves that she is extremely accomplished in the discipline, as pictures of her practicing routinely get over 100,000 likes. She appears to be sponsored by several clothing brands which may be an NCAA violation, but as of this time, she has not been investigated. She overcame stiff competition to be recognized by the NCAA, but she solidified her position as one of the top yoga practitioners in the country when she nailed her downward dog at nationals.

The future is extremely bright for this young star. When asked what her dream job is she said that she hopes to manage and operate her own trust fund.

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