Anonymous White House sources have reported that President Trump has indeed taken a further step in establishing which table in the White House lunch room is, in fact, “his” table. Trump has been seen sitting at the same exact two-person table near the White House information desk every day for his afternoon meal, and in order to prevent anyone else from sitting in his favorite spot, he put a golden name plate underneath the table. “Now, if any loser is sitting at my table, I will say the table is mine, and when they ask how a common room table can be anyone’s property, I will tell them to get on their knees and read my glorious, golden name on the bottom of the table,” the president explained.

Sources within the White House have described how their typical lunch is usually interrupted daily by Kellyanne Conway barging in and yelling “DONALD!” every time she has a simple question or request for the president. When asked about his lunch routine, Trump recounted, “My lunch is always fantastic. I love eating a classic burrito bowl because the Hispanics are just so fantastic at making my lunch. Also, the General Tso’s chicken they serve here is just beautiful, it really is. General Tso is also a very dear, dear friend of mine. I told Chinese President Jinping that his military generals are just incredible cooks. In fact, I have my finest generals working on new dishes for me to try right now.”

Trump has recently been using his lunches to write articles for the New York Times: “I love to write pieces about issues that I’m solving that weren’t even issues until I brought them up and let people know that I am doing very important things.” The New York Times has rejected all of Trump’s pieces due to how they entirely use very generalized stereotypes based on one personal anecdote. The president remarked, “My amazing Press Secretary, Sean Connery, complained to me the other day about how he was losing his hair, so I wrote to the NYT about how I am solving this very pressing crisis of curing male baldness and paying for it by defunding women’s health programs. Ridding the world of baldness for men will totally pay off for women, though, cause that’s what women primarily care about.”

The public was unsurprised by the nameplate news.. The general agreement is that only someone so narcissistic, vain, and self-absorbed could do something as petty as putting a nameplate on a table, and Donald Trump is the only person that fits that description. There is a rumor that Senators Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders broke into the White House in order to switch Trump’s table with a non-marked table as an act of the #resistance. No one has yet confirmed if Trump has looked underneath the table to see if the nameplate is still there.