With the 2017 NFL season officially over, the league unveiled a new version of fantasy football for the upcoming season in a star-studded gala. Johnny Sportsman, an NFL spokesman, told the crowd that the new version was designed to drum up support for the 2018-2019 season by offering fans additional metrics to keep track of.

Typical fantasy football is centered around conventional statistics, such as the number of touchdown passes or yards per carry. But league officials worried that these statistics were failing to capture the true nature of the game. “We want fans to be able to interact with the culture of football itself,” explained Sportsman.

At the unveiling, Sportsman listed some of the new metrics. “We are really excited for Yards After Arrest (YAA). This statistic captures the adversity players overcome to compete as men on the field on Sundays.” According to data from USA Today, there were 39 arrests in 2017 and an additional eight arrests in 2018.

Another new statistic is Domestic Incidents Per Season (DIPS). “DIPS lets fans know which athletes are strong both on and off the field,” explained an ecstatic Sportsman. “Our inspiration for this stat came from watching how Floyd ‘Money’ Mayweather excelled in the ring after sparring with his girlfriend.”

The list of new statistics included many more categories for fans to follow. One of the most anticipated new stats is Sacks, Snaps, or Starts After Concussion (SAC). During the 2017-2018 season, there were 281 reported concussions, so fans expect that players will have a robust showing in this category in the upcoming season.

Dropped Balls Over Dropped Charges (DB/DC) is another favorite. Other notable stats are Catches Before Murder (CBM) and Games Played Per DUI (GPD).

At the end of the ceremony, Sportsman revealed that another impetus behind the new statistics was the league’s hope to generate more revenue to promote player safety. “We need to grow more as a league if we want to protect the players from injury,” said Sportsman. “Part of the reason concussions are so frequent is because the NFL hasn’t been making enough money.”

It is estimated that the league generated only around $14 billion in revenue last year. This fell short of the desired amount. “If our revenue is only equal to the GDP of Senegal, we clearly are not earning enough,” reasoned Sportsman. Before exiting the stage, Sportsman also revealed that the NFL would make deflating footballs and kneeling during the national anthem capital offenses.

When Sportsman was done revealing the new stats and punishments for deflating footballs and exercising the first amendment, The Hill News reporters went outside to interview fans attending the tailgate. The Hill News wanted to figure out which stats were the most popular. “I love SAC,” exclaimed an elated Maeve Davis, a newly minted member of the Fappa Fappa Bamma fraternity. “Only the best athletes can compete after mild brain trauma.”

Other fans disagreed with Davis and cited CBM as their favorite. “Aaron Hernandez is a definite hall of famer in this category. I’m glad he’s finally getting the acknowledgement he deserves,” said Chad Fleischkopf. “However, I think the NFL needs to track the kill-to-death ratio of these players. Some are putting up amazing numbers.”

A few fans mentioned DB/DC as their favorite statistic. “When a player drops more passes than his girlfriend drops domestic violence charges, you know he’s having a bad season,” said Ted Osteroney. “This makes sports so much more fun.”

The crowd around Osteroney seemed to agree and started chanting “Saturdays and Sundays are for the boys!” Other fans, upon hearing this, started chanting, “Thursdays are for the boys.” Then even more fans started chanting, “Mondays, and Thursdays, and Saturdays, and Sundays are for the boys.”

Eventually one fan jumped off a trailer onto a flaming table, breaking his vertebrae in the process. The crowd roared in approval and started chanting “U-S-A!, U-S-A!”