By Indy Butt and Ligma Balls

Has your significant other, friend with benefits, midnight buddy, Tinder “date” or internet provider (Pornhub?) not been doing the trick?

Then cum on down to Gulick Theatre; your world is about to be rocked! Experience the first ever campus-sponsored orgy: “In the Next Room” (or “The Vibtator Play”) aka An Orgy of Self-Completion. “In the Next Room,” loosely based on the Hulu original, “The Handmaid’s Tale,” will explore the under-represented, and, at times, elusive female anatomy. Gulick Theatre will turn into a bemoaning festival featuring a 4-D experience of the art of vibrator usage to dispel any unsolved curiosities about the cure for hysteria, a misnomer for horny women whose partners can’t find the clit.

This performance is not recommended for people who are close-minded or consider female anatomy more elusive than the sun on a clear day. Consider your personal aversions before entering the theatre and remember that you or a loved one could be suffering right this moment from untreated hysteria.

All in attendance will receive a hot pink vibrator to use at their discretion during the performance. They will be returned to the front-of-house staff upon completion, either the performance’s or your own. Unfortunately, the budget was blown on the purchase of vibrators, so costuming of characters will be at a minimum. But, hopefully for you, this will make the experience more…intimate.

For sanitary purposes, all seats will be covered in latex and will hopefully be wiped down before the start of every show. If you’re looking for an on-campus job, there will be additional staff required to satisfy the crowd’s needs for clean and sanitary equipment with a dirty atmosphere.

Audience members will take pleasure in the content of the play, as it addresses the difficulty for women to experience sexual pleasure. Curing your hysteria will also enlighten you to a diverse array of uses for nature’s pocket. You could leave Gulick with a new perspective on the wide variety of things that could be stored or how to get your female friends to bring extra snacks into movie theaters.

Consider attending two showings of “In the Next Room,” so that you (or your female friends) can bring additional stimulating toys after the first exploration. Why go so hard, so fast, when you can take a mild, but exhilarating, ride through Gulick twice?

At intermission, a round table about orgy etiquette will be hosted. Topics that will be covered will include: “Too many partners, too little hands,” “The health benefits of cum facials,” and “How finding the male G-spot doesn’t make you gay.”

Be sure to arrive early, as a lube tasting and vibrator demonstration will be featured as a prelude of the excitement to cum. If you’re a first-year on the *perfect* unlimited plan, prepare to gorge on the five course fine dining provided by your one and only. Dana will be serving an aphrodisiac-filled menu before every performance in order to get everyone’s libido up to thoroughly enjoy the immersive experience.

Upon arrival at Gulick, you will be asked to fill out a public survey regarding your kinks. Gulick and staff reserve the right to expose you or your answers. To be sure that you have enough time to pick the category that best fits your sexual preferences, the list has been provided in advance of the performance. The list of kinks is as follows: “kink shaming,” “feet,” “toys,” “BDSM,” “foods/snacking,” “group,” “missionary only” and “furries.”

While staff will do their best to sit people in their preferred kink section, some audience members will be put in a compromised position to try something new and seated elsewhere.

Please note that if you identify with the sadism or masochism of BDSM, you will be seated in the balcony and handcuffed to the seat. Your free limbs will be your feet. Be advised that the foot fetishes will also be in your section. Missionary members of the audience will be asked to leave. Furries will be escorted off the premises by Canton police.

For you and your fellow orgy members’ safety, the first three rows of the theatre have been designated as the splash-zone. Do not fret, these are not the only seats where you will get wet. The ushers will escort the most enthusiastic members towards the front of the audience, as long as they fit loosely in the kink category of the section.

Ushers will guide you to your seat using glow-in-the-dark dildos. Exits will be clearly marked with edible underwear. Simply eat until you find yourself in safer territory. Blacklights will not be used until after everyone has finished, production or otherwise.

Your seat, while protectively lined with plastic, also features two removable flotation devices. In case of a pyrotechnic kink emergency during the performance, 1,000 gallon barrels of lube will be released to fill the theatre. Those with the provided life vest found under the seat, made specially out of used condoms, will be escorted to safety when the wave of lube subsides. The seat cushion will be removable and will also support you should the theatre flood. However, please use caution in the use of these life preservers, as they may not be sanitary after the first show. And remember, no matter how hard you try, a door will only support one full-sized human, approximately the size of Kate Winslet.

Playbills will provide detailed instructions on your hot pink partner for the show, including how to maximize pleasure with the plot of the play. The use of the playbill along with the vibrator should improve the experience, both of the show and physically. Designated safe words will indicate how to best display discontent with the acts. To notify staff, spell out the word with glow-in-the-dark lube and display dissatisfaction to get the attention of someone who may be of help.

Extra copies of the program will be available to pass out to self-imposed “sex gods,” in which the clitoris is highlighted, starred and in braille. Interactive dioramas and promotional materials will also be available upon request shall you have a particularly stiff or rigid member who needs further guidance.

A special VIP section for seating is also expected. Those who wish to be more involved in the show can submit a 500-word essay as an application to explain why they would bring a more dynamic aspect to the show. Specifically include in your essay any relevant experience in orgies and how you provided additional pleasure to the conquest. Ideal candidates will have participated in three or more experiences within the last year and acquired natural completion.

Those seated in the VIP section will be provided additional stimulation through the proximity to the stage and may invite themselves to participate in the performance more naturally than other audience members.

Upon completion of the show, audience members will be given a complimentary free trial to Pornhub in order to continue perpetuating sexist perspectives. When exiting Gulick, there will be additional aphrodisiac hors d’oeuvres with phallic undertones and sexual overtones.

You’re invited to stay for a second open discussion based on the topic: “What to do when you’ve reached completion.” Relevant questions, such as “should you kick them out of your bed?” will be posed to set the mood. Consider sticking around for once and perhaps you’ll leave with a raffle basket filled with erotic coloring books, colored pencils shaped specifically like male genitalia and VHS tapes from the restricted section in Blockbuster. Nothing like trying something new!