HELLO CHILDREN welcome back to another delightfully irrelevant week of Emily Talks About Something. Let’s begin where we all have some common ground, the beloved thorn in the side of our hearts—the “Star Wars” sequels. 

As of December 20, 2019, the latest installment of “Star Wars” trilogies came to an end with the moderately anticipated “Rise of Skywalker” (Abrams). With the devastating passing of Carrie Fisher in 2016, this series has been a mess—a lovely mess that has taken a good deal of my money and caused a myriad of frustrations, with no clear direction or finite purpose in the ever-expanding canon. In 2015, when “The Force Awakens” was released, I was too young and giddy over Daisy Ridley to really get my balls in a bunch. “The Last Jedi” (2017) is where I thrived; Rian Johnson gave me hope for a better “Star Wars”, convinced me that the lore and potential for the universe would be expanding with this new trilogy. Even though Johnson is an exceptional director, I’ll admit that the story and screenwriting left plenty to be desired and did little more than fill up time and enforce sexual tension between Poe and Finn. “The Last Jedi” is not a crucial story—but it was damn good to watch and explored the Force in a new way that opened up the entire universe, inviting a new era in which the Force could become more than a mystery, but a delicate balance that connected everyone.

Too bad J. J. Abrams decided we didn’t deserve that. 

Honestly, I can’t fathom why Disney insists the Force must be stored in the balls—but this finale really made sure we got the message—if you’re not a Palpatine or a Skywalker, you’re outta the game, no Force for you.  

Now, this is “Star Wars”—I’m not expecting a Gerwig script or some Wes Anderson cinematography. All I want is loveable characters and a happy ending. This film was lazily written; the opening scene immediately reveals the return of Emperor Palpatine—something that had never been alluded to or asked for: Adam Driver’s Kylo Ren discussing the stockless future of the First Order with something akin to a puppet. From there, the three rebel heroes run around the galaxy, fulfilling half-thought-out quests, opening and then promptly abandoning conversations, and reinforcing racial stereotypes.

The movie ends with every character betrayed by the director somehow, leaving the audience unsatisfied and, frankly, confused. 

Dislike for this movie stems from a lack of catharsis. “Rise of  Skywalker” opens more doors than it closes, and the few questions it does answer are mediocre in their explanation. The most unique thing about this film, in my opinion, is the million other stories it alludes to. What is a dyad in the force? What else happened in Leia’s Jedi training? What did Finn have to tell Rey? WHERE IS MY BABU-FRIK SPIN-OFF? 

If you haven’t already, you should see this movie. It’s the upsetting end to an era—one that I will miss (I’m lookin at you, Kylo) and criticize as Disney continues to churn out more galactic tales. I’ve spent 500 words telling you why it’s great and crying over Rian Johnson, but a half-a**ed goodbye is better than none at all.