I’ve written this quintet to selfishly talk about some of my favorite girl-coded horror films. To provide a superficial sense of thematic unity, I used the following criteria: 

• No excessive gore or violence: a film for the ladies should be void of anything that might cause unscheduled swoons or a case of the dreaded vapors. A lady must maintain her composure, after all 
• Female lead: obviously 
• Female writer/director: Doesn’t matter if the end result is good or not, considering that there are like seven of them 

• Aesthetically pleasing: As long as I have something pretty to look at, I can ignore a bad plot. Works for boyfriends too. 

1. “It Follows” (2014) 

Our protagonist Jay discovers that post-coital cuddling isn’t as relaxing as it sounds. She’s saddled with a rather incurable STD: a relentless, slow-walking entity that follows her and takes on the shape of strangers and loved ones in order to get close. The only way to get rid of this particular demon is to pass it on via underwhelming sex with men of dubious character. But what makes this film REALLY for the ladies is Yara’s PINK SEASHELL PHONE. The film is full of fun objects like this to eliminate a sense of familiarity, leaving the viewer feeling uneasy throughout.  

2. “Suspiria” (1977) 

My personal favorite on the list and far better than the newer one, in my opinion, whose director clearly just wanted to remake “Possession,” but couldn’t get the rights to it. Anyway, you don’t watch “Suspiria” for the plot, which is pretty basic (Suzie learns that her ballet school is run by witches, that’s about it). You watch “Suspiria” to see Jessica Harper maintain a beautifully horrified expression and clutch a knife against a backdrop of 100 shades of the color red, while Goblin bangs out the same 6 note melody for an hour and 40 minutes.  

3. Jennifer’s Body (2009) 

Quintessential 2000s film starring Jennifer Fox. Picture this: your high school best friend turns into a vampire and starts going after your boyfriends. We’ve all been there, am I right, ladies? 

4. “The Witch” (2015) 

Everybody’s seen this one, but I’m putting it on here because, a.) Wouldst thou like the taste of butter? Wouldst thou like to live deliciously? and b.) This film is the perfect response to a man telling you he wants to live off-grid.

If you’ve ever wanted to watch Survivor but set in 17^th century New England and starring Anya-Taylor Joy (pre-buccal fat removal), this one’s for you. Puritans wrestle with the harsh realities of the wilderness—and a troublesome Witch. Thomasin’s father moves his family to the middle of nowhere due to a conflict over faith, and they must carry his burden alone. Thomasin ultimately must choose between faith and freedom. The film lends some sympathy to the original sin of Being A Woman. 

5. A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (2014) 

This film taught me that men think it’s really hot when you suck on their fingers. More to the point, it’s a film that is somehow both unique AND interesting, plot-wise. It’s set in a dusty and desolate Iranian town, in which “The Girl,” a teenage vampire, spends her eternity soaking in the tub, listening to jazz, and gliding around on a skateboard. You might find yourself proclaiming, “She’s literally me,” despite having sprained your wrist the only time you attempted to skateboard.