Seniors, get ready to go nuts. It’s no question that our beloved institution has quite the rodent problem these days. In an effort to combat the issues surrounding overpopulation here at SLU, the University has decided to give each and every member of the graduating class of 2018 their very own fat and furry vermin friend with their diplomas.

Crews have been pulling squirrels out of nooks and crannies all over campus during the past week from the garbage cans, trees, fireplaces, and buildings they’ve worked their way into. They’re currently being held in the basement of Lee, where members of the class of 2021 have been hired to tend to them. While many first-years are unhappy spending their days scraping up squirrel poop in their dorms, they’ve become desperate and have turned to any opportunity to make a little bit of money to pay for their Natty Light and $10 admission to the Ticker every weekend.

Many seniors out there may be worried about the care required for your newfound best friend, but don’t worry! We here at THN have got you covered! Here are some handy-dandy squirrel-care tips:

1. Feed your squirrel daily. These cuddly creatures are pretty used to fending for themselves, so they’re pretty low-maintenance. After you’ve finished your food for the day and thrown out the scraps, just make sure to toss your squirrel into the garbage after, and they’ll take care of the rest! This means you have to take out the trash less, so it’s a win-win for you and your new pal!
2. Give them a nice, cozy place to live. An old Sergi’s box or bag haphazardly thrown into a tree should work just fine for them, but if you’re really feeling like treating your new pet to a life of luxury, make sure to toss your bike up there too! It creates a jungle gym space for them in order to ensure they get all the exercise they need.
3. Don’t forget to accessorize. While dogs in bomber jackets may be all the rage on Instagram, just think of how fashionable your squirrel will be with a Burger King fry container stuck on its head. Squirrels of this caliber are rare on campus, but you know they’ve got a serious dedication to their sense of fashion when they’re spotted sporting this look.
4. Regular grooming is key. While direct contact with your squirrel may make them skittish— with students regularly attempting to capture them, make them a pet for the entirety of their FYP, and solely feed them cheese doodles— we advise you to tough out the fight they’ll put up in order to rid themselves of the stench from Juuls that they’ve picked up from hanging around townhouses on the weekends.

*Bonus Pro Tip* We recommend attending a training session to get acquainted with squirrel-proofing your new apartment in Dean Eaton Formal Lounge next Friday at 6 pm. By attending, you will receive a free SLU bandana to dress up your squirrel.

Rachel Mills ’18 is ecstatic about her new furry friend. “If law school doesn’t go quite as planned, Claire Mendes ’18 and I are going to start a squirrel farm to breed them as pets for future generations of Laurentians,” stated Rachel, while perusing the web for squirrel fertility tips.

And, hey, maybe you’ll get lucky and receive the rare and mystical albino squirrel, thus giving you all the post-grad luck you could ever need and solving all of your current unemployment issues.