BY JOSH MA

In an astounding turn of events, the office of Diversity and Inclusion reported that a preliminary report of the campus climate survey showed that discrimination at St. Lawrence University was virtually non-existent.

“Sure, the Economics Department can always be improved,” said the survey specialist when addressing the latent favoritism that the department’s faculty has for Laissez-faire capitalism. “Eventually, we have to come to face the fact that those professors are beyond help. However, I’m sure our students are above the department’s indoctrination propaganda and won’t take those classes seriously enough to have those ideas carry over outside the classroom.”

Aside scattered sub-par performance reports of the Economics faculty and staff, the rest of the reports from community members demonstrated that SLU is the perfect place for students to feel safe and welcomed. To the question of “How are you feeling?” 95 percent of students checked the “Yes” box, to which Timothy Corbitt, Director of Health and Counseling Services, said was “nothing short of an absolute miracle.”

Faculty Equity Diversity Index Ratio (“FEDIR”) score increased remarkably since the last climate survey taken in 2014. The 400-point increase is largely attributable to President Fox’s most recent Ancestry.com result, which showed that he is 62 percent Zimbabwean. “It’s amazing how technology changes how we look at the world,” said the President. “It is about time St. Lawrence be recognized in this manner.”

Even more surprisingly, the preliminary report states that up to 78 percent of the students on campus are actually black. “It was absolutely shocking,” said Tinga Adiang, student body president. “I guess that my predisposition to being a minority in the past just fooled me into believing that this is a white-majority campus.” Adiang, visibly flustered, claimed that he will drop the formal ACE investigation entirely.

This unprecedented turnout affected the campus at the administrative level as well. “My job here is done,” said Dean Flint-Hamilton when approached for a statement. She was last seen flying off into the horizon on Monday, being blown by the East wind whilst using nothing but her umbrella. “It was like magic,” said an anonymous, former racist/bigot, who testified to the phenomenon. He accredits his recent conversion to liberalism to his viewing of the blockbuster hit, Black Panther.

The administration announced that SLU Republicans will replace Flint-Hamilton’s as Dean of Diversity.